TRAUMA BONDING DEFINED

There’s one kind of romantic relationship that I wouldn’t wish on anyone — and that’s the kind that’s been made intense by a trauma bond. This is another name for dynamic also known as “intermittent reinforcement,” where one person gives intense affection and approval to the other, and then alternates it with neglect, disapproval, abandonment or even abuse.

You would think this kind of emotional on/off torture — blowing hot and then cold to the point of cruelty — would drive away prospective partners. It should signal major danger to anyone who actually wanted to be loved. But that’s exactly where people traumatized as kids are vulnerable.

If that’s you, you probably recognize right away what I’m talking about — whether you had a name for it or not. And you’ve already noticed that when someone treated you like this — loving you, then turning cold and betraying you — and then repeating the cycle again and again — it had an insidious power to hook your mind, to grab onto your heart and keep you obsessed and sad and feeling too messed up to get out.